Monday, December 20, 2010

Faux News

 When Hell Freezes Over - BBC News - Switzerland            
             Bern, Switzerland - Remarkable news in the Science & Technology world on May 16, 2010. Scientists from Switzerland are convinced that Hell in fact may be freezing over. Lead scientists in Bern have theorized that the dreaded Lake-of-Fire has decreased in temperature by 0.07 of one degree. “At time of rigor mortis it is believed the soul escapes the body.” says Dr.Auguste Wüthrich, leader of the Metaphysics Research Department of University of Bern. “The soul lacks heat because that is not it’s responsibility. This burden is left for the body. Once the heart has stopped working the body ceases to produce energy, which in turn stops any production of heat. This is the key to our research.”

             A research which has kept the Swiss Doctor occupied for the past twelve years. The same research which was at the center of great debate when it was first introduced to the University. Protesters argued that funding by the University should go to other departments which seemed more deserving of the money. However, after twelve long years Dr Wüthrich’s efforts are finally starting to justify the means.

            Even his fellow colleagues were skeptical of the doctors undertakings. “None of us were sure of what to expect. You can say we were skeptical, and rightfully so’” said Professor Franz Euler, head of the Mathematics department of the University of Bern.Euler eventually joined the research team and has since been overwhelmed with the progress. He is convinced that in recent years the number of souls going to heaven is at a significant decline. “We have reviewed the data numerous times, and we can say, with 95 percent confidence, that half of the current population has souls that will eventually not make it to heaven,” says Euler. 

             According to Wüthrich, this decrease in “Heavenly-souls,” for lack of a better term, is the cause of the decrease in temperature. “It’s really as simple as the process of diffusion. The more souls that go to Hell, the more surface area available to displace the heat, and the faster the temperature will decrease,” says Wüthrich. 

             And the faster the heat displaces, the quicker the old idiom becomes a reality. “When Hell freezes over.” And that is exactly what the working title of their next book is. Wüthrich and Euler have announced that they are co-authoring a book detailing research. “The When-Hell-Freezes-Over Project,” should be hitting the bookshelves sometime in 2011. 

             In fact their latest discovery will surely go down in the history books. The researchers are claiming that they have discovered an algorithm which allows them to test the temperature of Hell. If their claims are true, then this will be the greatest leap in science since Thomas Jefferson’s kite. * 

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